Very much just another blog

Christmas panic and the double tap rule

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Some time in November, when Disney adorns Oxford St with illuminated eyesores, and the guys who sell chestnuts wheel out their wagons, and Coca Cola pops Santa on their cans looking very, very wrong….

I think: I will not submit to this; it’s not Christmas yet. I won’t sing carols, I won’t buy a tree and I don’t need to buy Christmas presents. Not yet. And yet even as these words flutter through my hazy head I know that soon, sooner than I’d like, I will regret my reticence. I will wish I paid attention. I will mourn my inability to write lists – or if I do, to read them – to pay attention to last days to submit to Amazon or post cards. Jesus, I haven’t even bought cards. I don’t even have a clever list of people I’d like to send them to.

Now is that time, my friends. Today I stood in Greenwich market, first delighted by the Christmassy buzz which had hitherto been absent from my waking day. And then, broken, caught against a stall where someone was making bracelets by bending cutlery (don’t do that, sir, it’s a terrible, terrible idea) and a fat woman determined to by thirty of them (terrible idea, lady, were you not listening?).  And I haven’t bought any gifts. Not one. I don’t even know who I’m supposed to buy presents for. And even before Christmas it’s my sister’s thirtieth birthday – a really *special* birthday and somewhere in the planning I forgot to actually plan and I have not even the smallest idea of what to get her or do for her or ANYTHING. I am a twat. I am a steaming Chrimbo twat with no gifts and no inspiration.

As luck would have it, we do have a tradition in our family that can help in the face of this sort of impending calamity: the double tap. The double tap was born of some mulled wine fuelled Christmas shopping imaginings of my sister and I while in Spitalfields Market a few Christmases ago. It goes like this: when shopping, if you see something you really, *really* want, you can and should double tap it. It’s a discreet move, understood only by the person you are shopping with. An item double tapped is an item truly desired and will be logged as such in your counterpart’s brain (or on your counterpart’s hand in biro if your counterpart is me). You are then assured of the gift, and you friend/lover/mother will always have excellent present ideas for you. Re.Sult.  This being the case I should have  a list of things that my nearest and dearest are very keen to own (those in the know tend to double tap wildly and often). But I do not because every time I wrote such an item on my hand, I inevitably wiped my hand on my face and then meandered off to the pub and forgot all about it. Why do I insist on making things more difficult than they need to be? I should buy an INDELIBLE ink pen; that would solve all of this. Why don’t I have such a pen. Maybe I should double tap one for Christmas.


Written by elikafm

December 6, 2009 at 4:12 pm

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