Very much just another blog

How not to define yourself by the Swedish furniture store

with 22 comments

The problem with IKEA is that it’s fucking everywhere. Their storage solutions pack our lives neatly into the same spaces and their tealights illuminate houses in exactly the same way all across the UK. Fucking. IKEA.

To fight the universal fade into ubiquity my friend Alison and I, who by chance have both moved  several times recently, have made a pact: No more IKEA: we are INDIVIDUALS.

We put firm rules in place because when we said NO IKEA, what we actually meant was SOME IKEA. We   were still allowed to buy poster frames, plants, glasses and tea lights (so sue us). We were not under any  circumstance allowed to buy any furniture: no beds, no chairs, no drawers, no Billy bookcases. Nothing that is supposed to hold weight in any way. Or lamps. Or cushions.

We were extremely pleased with our resolution: we were going to regain our individuality through the medium of home furnishings. We were going to spend our Sundays rooting through hard-to-find-yet-achingly-cool old furniture stores and find just exactly the sort of thing to make our homes the amazing places we planned them to be. Exciting times. I can feel you are on the edge of your seats.

But wait.

We formed this resolution late one evening at her house: an evening of smoking, wine drinking and ‘do you remember that song….’ You know the sort. I remember she paused, took a slow drag of her cigarette and leant towards me: you know, she said, I do *need* a new bookcase. Does it count if I get someone to buy it for me?

You can’t do that! That’s totally against the whole premise of our brilliant resolution.

She looked crumpled.

Oh. Ok. We’re also allowed to buy shelving, but I think this is a slippery slope, Ali.

So you see, friends, the power of IKEA is strong. Very strong. Ali caved, like, right away. But we remain determined; there will be very little IKEA in our lives from here on in. You should join us: stand up for your right to be nearly unique. I think it’s going to be exciting.


Written by elikafm

January 3, 2010 at 12:43 am

Posted in Uncategorized

22 Responses

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  1. I went to IKEA once.

    Bought a very practical table to sit my big telly on. This was back when big tellys were very big and very heavy, and if said telly didn’t have its own legs (and you didn’t want to watch it lying flat on the floor) you needed a nice sturdy table to put it on.

    But oh my… Not no never again. So much evil under one roof. Any store that demands you walk through the entire shop to buy something needs a right good kicking.

    No matter how good their meatballs are.

    That said, there are risks to taking a stand against IKEA. You could end up like Kirstie Allsopp, with knitted shelves and quilted bedspreads.

    So be careful.


    January 3, 2010 at 1:37 am

  2. I once asked at the help desk to get the sofa (which I am currently sitting on) from its resting place to my trolley. It wasn’t that sort of help desk apparently, which was disappointing. I’m very short and nearly died trying to shift it single handed.

    Happily, though, I have no plans to knit my own shelves or decorate my duvet covers. It’s really not my scene.

    PS. The Writer bought one of those tellies. It took up most of our flat but he was strangely attached. They are HUGE. Heavier than the sofa.


    January 3, 2010 at 1:51 am

  3. I thoroughly recommend Gumtreeing, there are loads of weird and wonderful things on there and you meet their owners as well which makes it all a bit more personal. I do like the ikea colours though. And the textures. And the cheapness. And convenience. Oh. I love Ikea.


    January 3, 2010 at 7:40 am

    • I know. I’m sitting in a comfortable IKEA bed right now. And I saw some red drawers I think are really groovy. But I *will* be strong…


      January 3, 2010 at 12:20 pm

  4. my flatmate once produced a garlic press of such wonderment and efficiency that i had to have it. one gentle squeeze of hand and a whole clove or 2 was completly mashed with none of that pesky difficult-to-get-out-last-bit. after we went our separate ways i had to find it again so called to ask where this object of genius mechanical engineering could be purchased. i ended up giving one to my mum for last christmas (amongst other things). upon opening she looked at me like i was mad. i said, “trust me”. mid way through setting up the bar for the imminent arrival of the family booze hounds she burst into the lounge with tears in her eyes and whispered, “thank you”.

    it is to this day the one and only thing i will buy from ikea.


    January 3, 2010 at 8:13 am

  5. The garlic press cannot be leant on. It is totally under the label ‘Some IKEA’ and therefore you bought your mother a wonderful gift. I think I will get one too… none of the difficult-to-get-out-bit, eh? IKEA are design geniuses…


    January 3, 2010 at 12:23 pm

  6. So, to be clear: your ‘some Ikea lifestyle’ involves a bed and a sofa and potentially a garlic press? I, with very slight hesitation, would suggest that it’s quite easy to adopt a ‘some Ikea’ lifestyle when you’ve already bought everything you’ll ever need from Ikea.

    As an aside, Casinos in Las Vegas have, I think, been designed by the same evil genius who came up with the Ikea layout – it’s physically impossible to get from anywhere in Vegas to anywhere else in Vegas without going ‘through the Casino’. Even if you’re standing right next to the place you want to go. It’s like an Escher drawing, with more gambling, drugs and prostitutes.


    January 3, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    • Yes. But I will buy a NEW sofa and NEW table and NEW other stuff, none of which will be IKEA related. And I will be awesome and I will be cool. I see no flaws in this plan.


      January 3, 2010 at 1:34 pm

  7. Elika, oh how i laughed at this. See, I too have made the No Ikea rule – when we moved out of the office where I lived (yeah, I lived in my office), and into a real home I swore off Ikea. Except for tealights. And as it turned out, sheets and beds for 4-years olds. Ahem.

    We swapped our Ikea-addiction for an auction-addiction instead. I spent god knows how many hours hunting down the exact 1950s sleeper couch I wanted at Lauritz. (missed this auction: http://dabitch.net/node/225 re-found couch later: http://dabitch.net/node/246 )

    Whatever one might think of Ikea, it doesn’t take as dastardly long as auction-hunting.


    January 3, 2010 at 2:14 pm

    • I am going to become an auction queen. This is exciting.

      PS. ALL my sheets are from IKEA.


      January 3, 2010 at 2:35 pm

  8. this is HILARIOUS.

    Has it occurred to you that your blog itself is a bit like something from ikea (no, not cheap or swedish) When you get it home it initially promises monochrome utilitarianism, but after a couple of minutes you rub up against it and expose the very un-utilitarian/un-monochromatic filling within.

    Perhaps this appears to be bad. but infact it er, isn’t.

    Its a totally shit analogy now that i’ve written it down. but most (though admittedly not all) fillings = good, like a kinder surprise egg? hmm.

    its funny though. so hurrah for you x


    January 3, 2010 at 2:28 pm

    • Tom? 1986? Whoop!

      On the subject of eggs some twat has suggested that this is Creme Egg ‘season’. I know. Bullcrap. But let’s meet up and eat some nonetheless.


      January 3, 2010 at 2:34 pm

  9. Do you smoke in the house?


    January 3, 2010 at 2:29 pm

    • Good lord, no. I smoke in my *friend’s* house.


      January 3, 2010 at 2:32 pm

  10. I play a game with visitors to our house. It’s called “Spot the non-IKEA furniture”. ‘Nuff said!

    Doc Roddy

    January 3, 2010 at 2:40 pm

  11. Classy.


    January 3, 2010 at 2:54 pm

  12. We subscribe to the haphazard school of interior design, this includes the useful “Oi you’re not throwing that out, are you?” ploy.


    January 3, 2010 at 6:47 pm

  13. I can only assume that you’ve been to http://www.ikeaheights.com?

    Be careful out there. If you go, obviously. And only for small things, like book shelves, beds, chairs, desks, coffee tables and children’s finger puppets.


    January 4, 2010 at 8:36 am

    • They do children’s finger puppets?


      January 4, 2010 at 9:18 am

      • Animal finger puppets, FISH finger puppets.
        Not fishfinger puppets. Yet.


        January 4, 2010 at 9:45 am

  14. Excellent read, I just passed this onto a colleague who was doing a little research on that. And he actually bought me lunch because I found it for him smile So let me rephrase that: Thanks for lunch!

    stand up comedy scripts

    January 27, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    • No problem at all. Was it nice?

      It sounds like you have an interesting job.


      January 27, 2010 at 3:01 pm

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