ElikaFM

Very much just another blog

Things I think the world can do without

with 12 comments

There are a few things in life which I am fiercely against. I’m not talking about sexist or racist people or those who are wilfully cruel. I mean, I *am* against the philosophies and banging ons of any such fucknut, but I’m not talking about that in this post. Today I am taking the opportunity to wang on about smaller, but still really quite important, things. And I’m doing it because my ‘friends’ have intimated that I am weird, which is very far from the truth; rather I am informed, and they have yet to learn.

Bananas

Yes. Bananas. Fuck awful invention of the natural world. There are many smells and textures involved in the banana and not one of them is agreeable. Their waxy skin, that sound when they open, the furry outside layer and the smell. Oh God. The smell. If you ever have to bite into a banana (and I truly hope you don’t) you will discover the terrible slime within. The slime within should be banned by someone important, like maybe the Prime Minister.

I can smell a banana at a hundred paces. Seriously. I’ve had to reassess my position on a bus to avoid the stench. Once my (then) boss hid a banana in my trainer. How we roared at the hilarious joke. What a funny bastard. No.

Bono.

Pigeons

Nasty, dirty, shitting, cack-clawed, diseased little critters. I hate the Skyrat. I hate it when they fly low and towards my face. I hate the weird shrieky noise I make when that happens. And, and, I was informed by a very nearly reliable source that if you breathe in pigeon breath then YOU DIE. This is a tremendously stressful piece of knowledge when you live in London and have to walk through Trafalgar Square.

Parsley

Why must parsley be sprinkled everywhere? We’re not in the fucking eighties now, people; we’ve diversified in the garnish arena. And, anyway, it doesn’t make *anything* taste better. Parsley tastes like blood. This is a fact, and my final word on the subject.

Bono.

The sound of people eating cereal

I know it’s ridiculous but it’s such a blot on the landscape of all things manageable. It turns my stomach and while I do realise that there’s very little a person can do about the sound they make when they eat cereal, you *could* leave the table and sit in the cupboard under the stairs. Or at the end of the garden; you could chew elsewhere.

Oh and, as an aside, people who eat with their mouth open should be shot. Dead. No discussion.

Slow walking people

Slow walking people on the streets of London or on the tube or meandering off my train in the morning. All of you. You’re first against the wall. Especially if you think it fit to tug a small suitcase on wheels through the rush hour. I wouldn’t mind the slowness if these same people didn’t also manage to dither from left to right, owning the entire pavement/room/staircase with their pointless wavering. Stick to one side. And don’t even think about walking the escalator unless you can give it some real beans. I fantasise about pushing you. One day I will.

Bono.

Mr Bean.

Bono.

Sultanas in salads

Ridiculous, ridiculous idea. I wanted to find a visual representation of this sentiment but YouTube don’t have the clip of Terri Coverley telling Malcolm Tucker that he doesn’t fit. Instead I’ve pasted in some of his sweary brilliance because, unlike the rest,  I think this is a very good thing to have in the world indeed:

And that’s it: the wasted meanderings of my frazzled brain. I bet some of you like bananas, don’t you? Maniacs.

Advertisements

Written by elikafm

January 8, 2010 at 2:47 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

12 Responses

Subscribe to comments with RSS.

  1. Agree on the bananas. But sultanas in salads? I think you’ve overlooked ‘synergy’. Now as we all know, ‘synergy’ is a shit word*. Especially when it’s trussed in meaningless single quotes as above. But I think it’s apt here. Because sultanas make salads better. Especially with grated carrot. The salad becomes more than the sum of the salad bits. It becomes interesting. All because a few fucking sultanas. And that’s salad synergy. I think.

    * That ‘Sledgehammer’ song is to blame.

    Chris

    January 8, 2010 at 4:35 pm

    • I cannot believe you feel that way about sultanas in salads. You massive weirdo. You’ll be suggestion apple is a viable salad option next. It is not. You must learn.

      PS. Thank you for reading my blog.
      PPS. I will make you a salad one day.

      elikafm

      January 8, 2010 at 4:43 pm

  2. How do you feel about walnuts in salads?

    I agree with everything on the list, despite being a slow-walking person with a suitcase.

    elsiem

    January 8, 2010 at 5:00 pm

    • Actually, I can totally manage a walnut, even a cashew. I like seeds too. But these things are very, very different to sultanas.

      elikafm

      January 8, 2010 at 5:10 pm

  3. I agree with all of that with the exception of bananas. I’ve said it before; no bananas and Clowns have nothing to slip over.
    I’d also like to add ‘People eating toast’ – cereal eating is nothing compared to the slow cow like mastication of toast in a quiet room. Put some music on or something people, please, anything to drown it out.

    alphabetbands

    January 8, 2010 at 5:18 pm

  4. What about pregnant women? When I was expecting I had to pull my laptop in one of those wheeled bags because the backpack was too heavy. I was also extremely slow. However I wasn’t in London, which may mean I was ok.

    Susan Scott

    January 8, 2010 at 6:45 pm

  5. I fear this post may become a gathering place for weirdos and freaks the world over, to come together and discuss their own particular insanities. I suppose, in some ways, that’s a good thing – at least we’ll know where to find them.

    In short: bananas are ace; pigeons are shit; parsley tastes of nothing; and Bono is an arse-thundering blithertwat.

    That is all.

    adlandsuit

    January 8, 2010 at 6:58 pm

  6. Bono yes but Mr Bean…….how dare you!?!

    Mel Carson

    January 10, 2010 at 9:55 pm

  7. I wholeheartedly agree with the Bono verdict haa.

    David

    January 12, 2010 at 4:59 pm

  8. Bananas are awesome. Thank you.

    Harmy G

    January 15, 2010 at 4:42 pm

  9. What exactly was wrong with Mr. Bean?
    (Mentally, I mean.)

    Paul H. Colman

    January 20, 2010 at 12:21 am

    • I’m not sure he was ever successfully dignosed. Otherwise there’d have been issues about, you know, using him to make other people laugh.

      elikafm

      January 20, 2010 at 2:32 pm


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: