ElikaFM

Very much just another blog

Coming to terms with the Croc

with 7 comments

When people first started wearing Crocs I really properly wanted to punch them. They seemed to me to be a clear example of fashion fuckwittery; those who sported them, those slaves to stupidity, invoked a wrath within me that I had for many months been trying to contain.

Crocs are horrible to look at, you see. I’d see them and think: seriously? SERIOUSLY? You’ve bought a pair of please-twat-me-repeatedly-yellow-foot-shaped atrocities? Hey, you know what you should do? You should buy twenty-nine billion little plastic personalising charms to stick in those holes. You know? Those stupid, stupid holes? And then, for  a proper giggle, just fucking go out in them. Go on, trip down the street because there’s no way you’ll look like a slave to the most ridiculous ruse in the history of all ridiculous fads. Or, you know, maybe you will. You will.

So, people. That’s how I felt: not awesome about the Croc. You can tell. And then something bad happened: my folks bought some. And so did my sister. As, like, slippers. Fucking hell. I was not impressed. Not at all. I’m related to these people and largely I respect of them; most of the time I like them. Hell, I love them body and soul… and here they were, fucking their fashion options up the wall for some preformed horseshit. It’s hard to see people you love behave like that. It’s hard to know how you can begin to communicate again.

So. We got on. They are STILL my family. We just reached a point of understanding around the narrow gap that had opened between us. And then something else happened. My mother bought a pair for me. A pair of Crocs. With a flower in one of the holes. And everything unravelled from there because I love them. I LOVE them.

The thing about the Croc is that it’s very much an all terrain shoe. And for me that’s important because I like arsing about with sanders and wrecked furniture, and I punctuate this with smoking outside and making tea in a kitchen that has two types of floor tile. You need to be prepared for this kind of thing: you NEED the right footwear and it turns out that the right footwear is a pair of fucking Crocs.

I recently discovered that the Croc is made so well that people don’t need to buy a second pair and they will likely go out of business. I told my family. We’re designed to be dramatic and my father immediately went out and bought three more pairs in an effort to save the company all by himself. He’s prone to this kind of caper, tending to buy everything he can in bulk. They have a house in France and in London, both are filled to the rafters with seventeen of every sort of thing you can imagine: don’t buy one stainless steel bucket thing for no apparent reason if twenty *might* come in handy one day.

I’m coming to the end of this meandering tale and you should know that I typed the lot with my legs crossed underneath me and my feet warm in my fucking ridiculous, darling Crocs. I love them, friends, but I still know who I am: in a minute I will redress. I will replace plastic clogs for high heels and tame my still bed-chaotic hair into a slick lil’ bob. Life is a careful process of balance. I’m totally on it.

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Written by elikafm

March 28, 2010 at 1:02 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

7 Responses

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  1. The only way to resist is never to try them. Ever. They’re a bit like heroin in that vein – only MORE DANGEROUS. (The bit about your Dad buying three pairs made me laugh out loud.)

    Adland Suit

    March 28, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    • S’done now, innit. And he did buy three pairs. He thinks *everyone* should buy three pairs. There is an outside chance he is clinically insane.

      elikafm

      March 28, 2010 at 1:20 pm

  2. “Heroin in that vein”? Chortle. As a recent recipient of intravenous morphine (NOT self-administered- it was all above board!), I can see why people like it. Crocs? Far too hippy! I’ll bet they’re made from re-cycled Lego bricks or summat! Far better to crush ’em up (Crocs) and make a textured wall covering or something. Think I could get an Arts Council grant for that??!! (cf http://www.heraldscotland.com/news/home-news/vital-sparks-share-500-000-in-arts-funds-1.1015588 )

    Roddy Pattison

    March 28, 2010 at 1:16 pm

  3. I resisted for several years.

    My brother in Seattle would try to convince me of their merits, to no avail, each time we met. On one visit however, he persuaded me to wear a pair when we went kayaking and that was that… I kicked around in them for the rest of our time there and bought a pair when I next saw them for sale in the UK.

    I pretty much live in them around the house & garden now, to such an extent that mine are actually wearing out and I will need another pair… in a year or so!

    FosterRuns

    March 29, 2010 at 9:00 am

  4. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Dan Shute, Elika, Sally McCorry, topsy_top20k_en, topsy_top20k and others. topsy_top20k said: I have blogged a little blog. It's about Crocs. Obviously: http://bit.ly/a4Ijjg […]

  5. i have walked down the street with my 3 children with us all wearing them. in daylight. in england. it was brave and i felt like a twat but they’re soooooo good. it’s the krispy kreme of the footwear world

    Giles Palmer

    April 2, 2010 at 10:07 am

  6. What are worse: Uggs or Crocs?

    Hmm.

    Bitchbag

    April 2, 2010 at 10:20 pm


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