Very much just another blog

When we left

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I told you not to leave me. Do you remember? Lying hot with our skin sticking as though we weren’t joined enough already, and I whispered into your hair that I couldn’t bear it if you left and you promised you’d stay.

The next day I wrote a note for you to find. I was leaving; it was only a matter of time before one of us did: we knew all the lines and all the truths and all the twisted feelings. We were both so reasonable but, between my calm lines, I think maybe you felt me bat down the scream, the twist at your neck and the spit as I spoke. All I did was be quiet when I screamed to be loud. All I did was leave you so that you couldn’t leave me.

From the beginning of this, which was also the end, we ebbed and flowed back and forth, towards and away from each other. I wonder if you remember the card with the quotation from a book you’d never read, but which I had thought of and given to you? There have been many, I know. This one was from a Hermann Hesse novel. I think of it often and go over the pieces of my life I have managed to get right or wrong and how.

We wrote our history until the writing of it destroyed us; other loves gathered us up so that each time we felt we might be close we would wash away. Undeterred, we would mark more words down, send notes in the hope that somewhere in between we would connect. Each line was like a breath keeping us sane but as we exhaled we fell further into some ridiculous madness. There is only sickness here; if only, we wrang our hands, if only this had never broken or never started.

And now, finally, it’s time to leave: last night I dreamed a thousand things. I raised my arm and only your voice was there when I was reaching for your whole body, your whole soul. The sun is out and it’s warming the flesh I made sick with thinking and drinking and too much of too little. I try all the time to begin again.


Written by elikafm

April 11, 2010 at 7:35 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

One Response

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  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Elika. Elika said: First bit of this evening's bloggery: When we left: http://bit.ly/cbE69h […]

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