Very much just another blog

On ice

with 3 comments

Slowly and careful with the edge, I cut a line across my chest. I lean the flat of the knife  on a rib and lever it gently up and down, as though loosening an avocado seed, and then I slip my heart out.

I have filled a bucket with ice and I crouch next to it, scoop out a handful of sharp chips and lay my little heart in the dip. I pack it in and carry the bucket down to the cellar where I have cleared a space between other things I was compelled to store: some books I packed into a box last year and a bag of caseless cassette tapes,  many mixed by friends – which is why I keep them, though I can’t listen anymore. I remember the pleasure of a cassette: how when replaying a favourite song over and over I would try to rewind to just the right spot: miss it; fast forward a little, rewind a little less.

I mark the box: My heart. Love affair. And then I cross out Love, because saying it won’t make it true and this is an exercise in truth and hope and strength and getting on. Or new hope at any rate,  because the old hope has died: when I told my friend and said I knew I was stupid but I knew too it was love, he pulled me right in and his eyes were so sorry for me. Oh, my darling, he doesn’t love you. I wish he did, but where is he now? And we knew. And he held me harder.

I raise my hand to my chest and realise that my t shirt is drenched in blood. I didn’t think; I’m so careless sometimes. I remove it. That’ll never come out, I think, and walk upstairs to throw it in the bin but the blood won’t stop flowing and the world seems to be sliding in sheets against each other. I ought to do something about the gap and I bend, tear a piece out of my skirt, roll it and scrunch it in. That should stem the flow, at least in the short term. But you have to move fast with wounds like this and really I took my eye off the ball, left it too long before attending to the scene. I need to lie down and I do, or fall.


Written by elikafm

August 1, 2010 at 11:39 am

Posted in Uncategorized

3 Responses

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  1. Bleak

    Roddy Pattison

    August 1, 2010 at 11:50 am

  2. Indeed. And that is a beautiful picture. Thank you.


    August 1, 2010 at 7:29 pm

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